Being Will's Mom

 

Will is at his dad's house. And sometimes that's a huge relief for me,  to get a break from the ups and downs of autism. 

Every single day is hard with Will.  I'd love to say it isn't,  but that would be a lie. 

So, when I know he's goeing to visit his dad, I get to breathe a little easier. 

For a moment,  anyway. 

Because when Will's not here,  my heart misses him.  

So deeply.  

He has been my every waking moment his whole life,  so I sometimes feel like I can't really be - I can't really exist without him. 

He has my heart. And when he's not here,  I cease to be. 

So when he's home there are these really tiny moments that I hang on to, these moments where he hugs me, or says my name, or looks me in the eye and smiles, and I live for them. Because most of the time, he's unhappy and that is so painful to experience - watching your child hurt and not being able to fix it.

So I hold tight to the moments where he's happy,  because they sustain me.  And those moments,  because they are so few,  fill me with a brimming love,  so deep for my son,  that it's indescribable. 

I miss him.  

And when he's home,  it will be hard again. 

But those tiny moments,  they'll happen,  and when they do,  I'll savor them. 

#willsworld #autism